Something is wrong....!

I want to say I don't care, but I do! I want to keep my head down and ignore the hurting crowd!
I want to....
My eyes tear up as I see flowers, I want to keep smiling and my eyes keep tearing up...
tearing down!
Happiness is just a vision...long gone!

Working during the weekend, thinking of bacterial communications and listening to Boney M!
Memories of childhood, warm weekends that we could make the cassette player to get to work and dance fearlessly in front of the mirrors...
Mum was cleaning and dad used to organize his big old collection of the National Geography! I loved to look at the pictures of places I wanted to go, people with painted faces, naked men and women...pierced noses and ears! Elongated necks and valleys full of poppies....
I feel the same...It is magical how music can take you far away....even places you never made to! 

Some times I just cry! After watching an episode of ''Orange is the new Black'' and listening to Tom Waits! I cry like it is my life that is told as an story...And then I missed the feeling of pure joy!

Kintsugi

The room smells like him, and with every breath I inhale parts of him! Like I can survive with his molecules merged with mine and his parts and particles giving me super powers....

I move and different scents reach up to my nose, a chemical reaction happens and all I can feel is like how he feels...All I can hear is his voice and all I touch is his skin!

He is gone and the pieces of my heart are sown together by his magical particles, his soul...

He is gone but the room smells like his presence....

Let us agree that it has been quite a ride so far!
I am willing to just pack and go away...without any idea where I want to go or be...
It is always nice to have him visiting me and have a couple of nice days....ignoring the pains that run through your blood with every beat of your heart!
Towards the end of these days, the pain becomes less tolerable, hurts more and at some point I give up! The tears fall and then the pain is out and running and spreading everywhere!
I, however, have become the master of putting up faces and smiling around and keeping up the appearances!
I am the symbol of faith and strength, as the '' Best '' will come!

I am falling apart internally! Like all of the molecules keeping me together are rejecting each other! Like my skin is keeping me together and nothing else is on its place...just an other bond to be miss-placed and I am done for ever...!

It is such a lonely day in my life!
I feel so disconnected from everything! Me, him, my work and my life!
It feels like nothing is out there! I am trapped in this moment and it will not pass! Time has stopped and my suffering is lasting as long as this stretched moment of my life!

He is coming ''Home'' today! I wonder what does home mean to him? We have been migratory birds for quite a while now!

Today is one of those days..

I think I got it all wrong...I got it all wrong!

I think what would have happened if I 'd said yes to his mum..!

I think where would I be now, having winter breaks in Dizin ski slopes or I was a divorced single mum, or a mum in a marriage .... where would I be today!?

Possibly not here...having a doctorate and doing a care work!

I am having a bad day and it's been long time since last time I had a good day! when was it? I have difficulties remembering a good day! Maybe it was the day I got chosen to give a talk at the conference...or maybe it was the day I heard about the interview! Yes, possibly it was the last time as I started to make dreams and had '' hope'' ! Not much of left though!

I went on the Facebook and looked at his photos, that was mad...I suddenly remembered how hard I tried to have him, how he broke my heart and when he knew he was mistaken, it was already too late!

Maybe I made many mistakes in my life...

I think I am so tired of this this life...full of mistakes but they are starting to smell like regrets!