For sure I have it..what they call it social anxiety and some shit called festive blue or some thing like that!
I have it for sure...whatever it is, it hits me every Sunday evening as well!
I used to have it on Friday nights back at home...that's why I want to work all the bloody holidays and shitty festive times....

In my dream, it was more clear than any thing else that I should saved him! I should have saved him from some people that were trying to kill him!
I had to explain to every one that I need to save him!
I do n't think I did...I don't even think that in dream or reality he would ever realize that I wanted to save him from some people....! 
I left him and in my dream I danced on ice, although I have never done it...I was good and I was dancing on ice in wonders of saving him!

I have control over my bladder!
I also have control on my bowl movement!
I have control over my speech!(sort of)
I have not control over my tongue movement around the bloody broken tooth!
Yes I have a broken tooth with sharp edges! My tongue likes to be constantly beaten by sharp edges...
Obviously I do not have any control over my tongue!

Spent the whole morning in hospital, taking care of the old chap!
Jeffery the axolotl died last night...no suicidal worms in the  new house...
James buried him in his car....and didn't wait for me...!
One of those crappy days I suppose

Need to find someone to tell me why on earth I decided 4 years ago to bring notes of lectures from more than 10 years ago, with me to this country?

And today is one of those days...that you feel happy, but stress and sadness creeps into your life!
It is one of those days that you feel incompetent...you feel useless...And you wonder where is the lucky star to shine on you...?

Had a crazy week of madness of work, lab and moving house...still loads of shit to cover! Just so tired...and constantly thinking of ''Secrets of Sheyda's Life''! Utter Madness.......

I am officially back to lab!
It is nice to find your old lab coat with all the markers inside the pockets...It is like they were waiting for me to be back!
It is good to be the winner of the fight...It is good that people who hurt me before, now they are refusing to meet me! It adds to awkwardness of the situation, but it makes me quite happy, that makes it clear that I am not the one escaping !

Yes indeed!
I would like to have some fat residues around my neck and non of them around my waistline! 
Ugly truth ....

Nostalgia...
This means missing some one who doesn't remember you! It feels sick...it feels pain...it feels totally emptiness!
I feel Nostalgic for Christophe Rezai! Good times in the old family house...
Good times that I made drinks for every one by the pool...
Part of life is missing....The Big issue is that I miss those days and times and people...But want to be them as some one else! Want them to know me as me......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRimycG9t38

And there you go...four years away from home!

James has an axolotl as his pet! I quite feel bonded with him as he swims towards me while I am washing up!
He eats worms!
They are kept above his tank in a transparent box!
The flat is full of suicidal worms...dead and dried on the floor, all over the place! I don't know should I call them suicidal as if they just fought for their hopes, but didn't do enough research on their freedom plan, or should I just honor their fight for freedom? 

Slept for more than 12 hours....I am trying to escape the waiting!

We put the seed down...in dark, wet soil!
We put the seeds underneath of tons of darkness, with tons of hopes! Hopes of proper rain...hopes of sunshine!
What if we keep the seeds...just by our window sills....., in hope of good soil?
Are we ever going to see our plant?
We should take the risk and put them in dark, wet soil...May the sun will shine!

Please...
Can anybody define the word happiness for me?
I lost this feeling! Can you remind me how long does it last?

I keep forgetting that cats do not get horny in this country...
They just lay on a sofa, next to the fire place and keep you company...regardless of their sexuality!

This summer it is warm here! Like warm days of late May back at home...Tehran! I still call it home as it is the town I grew up in, the place I fell in love, hot heart broken...maybe it is the place that made me!
It is Ramadan...Muslims are fasting ...back at home people line up in front of bakeries windows...just before the Iftar!
I wonder if my old boss still takes the employees for a big feast! 
I wonder if...
I wonder if my friend's son gets better this year...I hope he will!
I pray and try to send my love to her...from miles and miles away...

The face

The face that always makes me happy!

Stressssssssssssssssssssssssed!

Not really looking forward to get the complaint outcome, specially now that I now half of the building hate me!
But that does not mean I don't need your good wishes and prayers!

Feel excited and also upset about the presidential election in Iran! I still have hope for any changes, but such a shame that there might not be any changes at all!
They come and go and act for their own people...us, we are abandoned ones that did not fit to their beliefs and policies!

Got a new deadline for outcome of my complaint! It is next week! I am totally stressed! Cannot think properly...
I want to pray but believing that God wants the best for me, stops me from praying...I want to finish my studies...I want a real life!

Having a morning of boybands memoirs!
Pictures in my Head....west life!
Pictures in My Head by Westlife on Back Home

Want to pack up a bag, two underwear, two stocks and that's it! Can wear layers on top...

And just leave....going no where...not telling any one...! 

I feel like an outsider these days...Any where I go! And apparently I trusted the Big fat Lie that says: Home is where your heart is! Possibly I do not own one...

I may get sick all over the place! I mean literally sick! On you....On your lover....On your fancy shoes....On your smart ass...On your happy shiny face....On your PhD....On your kid( rare possibility as I adore most of them regardless of evilness of bloody parents)....
I may get sick ....On you!
Just saying in advance so you can prepare yourself emotionally!

Absolutely devastated! I am waiting for the outcome of my complaint! To be honest not positive about it at all! Just so worried and stressed that can't explain it! It has passed the level of explanation!

One of those days that all the comfort food in the world, won't make me feel better!

I was going to say that one never regrets showing love!
But suddenly I remembered all the unwanted circumstances of expressing love!

So, here I say:

Never be scared of circumstances of expressing your love, as no matter how bad they may be, they are not as bad as feeling the regret of not expressing your love!

there you go...! 

It is a hard life...
the whole new life style of virtual relationships! 
I express myself to the world...nothing gets back to....
I feel exposed, naked...with all of my wounds and scars...nobody gives a shit to say: It will be fine!

It is hard times!

Is it nostalgia or ...? I can't find the right word for it! It is a mixture of so many feelings...
I do not know why after smallest feeling of happiness, or taking pleasure of this bloody life, I will be feeling like this for long long times! 
I felt happiness after talking to my little angle...made him laugh! Had a nice ride around for shopping with a dear friend! And I even spent some time with Sun!
But now, I just feel like Friday evenings back at home...feeling empty, sad, worried...You name this bloody feeling! I have it now!
It will fade away ....some how it will fade away! 

I know I had something to say! I am sure...I was thinking about it last night, just before falling sleep!
It was something related to .... home...? being homesick!? Well, I do not remember it now!

It is sunny today...?I can't believe it....seriously I was wondering if all the summer is going to be the same shitty weather!

AHHHH,
Google denied my application for adverts on my blog as most of it is in Persian and they cannot recognize it!
Sad face...and a little bit angry!? 

She is waiting, there are two cars parked outside the house!
one is his car, so he is home....She can hear the phone ringing inside...she is knocking on the door! She is upset....
The guy in the car is judging her...he shouts that they may not be home Miss. Maybe we should go!
She is still waiting...thinking that he is upstairs, he hears her voice on the answering machine but avoids her, decides to carry on making love to the woman who owns the other car!
She even doesn't feel uncomfortable...she wants to talk...she wants to talk to some one outside of the circle of  known people...known ideas...!
After she left and still wondering in an angry mood, he called, he said stop the car and I come and pick you up!
They talked that night....she knew why he did not open the door, and why he didn't pick up his phone...she know! But they talked by the fire place....
They talked about all of her lovers...all the cheaters that left her alone! 
They talked that night and she knew he will pick up the phone all the time after that talk! She knew that he knows that she is not bothered of him screwing other people, but he didn't ever again..while she was around!

NOW....NOW it happened!
No comments any more!
As I was spending all day responding to them! Right?!!

Ahhhh,
me head is killing me! I think I had too much of garlic in me food! 
Need some sugar rush...
Possibly next step of the day is looking up some easy peasy cookie recipes!

Is it bad that I'm not bothered about peoples' birthdays anymore!?
well, get use to rude Sheyda!

Some days, some times, suddenly you remember people that you had totally forgotten...suddenly their face is in front of you ...and you remember, how fast time has passed !
You remember their voice and the sweet accent...the rhythmic and questioning tone!
It will be fine....I will be fine! 
I take it as a sign from good old days! Times that I was so free of any thoughts....just carrying the heavy labels. My mind was free...but had to keep the thoughts under covers of avoidance...so I would feel free!
I miss those days, some times, but I am sure I can not live like that again!

One question:
Is it so difficult to comment, or people who read my blog do not have any idea or opinion?!
Just wondering!

Telling you people...The weather is so testicular! It does mean that it is beyond being crap!

Can't sleep again!
There is a power cord in bed with us now! 

I am not sure how should I feel, when I was told officially to be suicidal!
Well, I thought about it, and I didn't lie about my thoughts when I was asked...I think I could just say no! 
But I did think about it! 
It was upsetting...it was dark and cold....and...!
But I can not find a name for the feelings that I have now! It's like being called so cheesy...It's like that somebody is shouting in your ears: You didn't have the balls!
I think more than cheesy, I was strong! 
I could have lied but I didn't!

I am not sure, why I had that wired dream. Was it due to slightly drunken feelings or my random thoughts and worries!?
We were all there again, in grandparents old house...all of us, and a baby, which can't remember was it Shaya or baby Milad, got measles, me and Jila were holding him, we were immune, and the baby was crying...had spots!
Dad was upset with us, and, garndma, she was cooking....food for all of us,....! I can't remember, all the details now, but I do remember that the nurse was there...Holding my dad's hand, and crying to us...that we don't care...so she cares! I was angry...annoyed! Why dad didn't say any thing!???
We were wrong ...we didn't catch measles as kids...

Self therapy by watching loads of TED talks!
I can not however decide whether I liked ''The skin I live in'' or not!

Whenever I get pissed at life- which is a quite common thing these days- I go and look at the old photos...like it is going to heal me! No I just need a real trigger to make me cry!
Sometimes I feel that my head is swollen, got soft inside and if I push it at one point, the juice is going to come out...the pressure is going to be released...the pain is going to fade....
And the thoughts of leaving or keep trying, are going to disappear!
I wish, I hope it was true...one push and squeeze would help....
These days nothing heals me...
constant silence and constant waiting...I waited so long that some days I forget what I am even waiting for!

I want to scream today...Yes I do...All day long, which I spent in a blurry vision of dreams and reality!
I feel I lost everything now....every piece of me, my time and all of those fears and thoughts!
I had one of my worst days today! Full of emptiness!
I am constantly in the granny's old house...Jila, mum and me...all of us! Some one is coming ..something is happening...everybody is preparing...! James' family are there as well...we are cleaning the house and changing our cloths...to get ready! I have no idea for what!...I am happy but stressed as well, mum doesn't like my clothes and I want to close the doors..doors of those chain rooms to each other...she roles her eyes and says we don't need to close these doors...our stuff is tidy and clean, every one can see inside our rooms!
I don't remember when was the last time I was in that house...possibly 10-11 years ago! Just when Grandma  decided that it is too big for her to clean! 
As a kid I loved the damp rooms in the basement! There were always interesting stuff to find and play with, it was even more interesting when it used to be my uncles bed room! 
It used to be my adventure land!
Do I miss it? I don't know anymore! 
I miss the sour tasty prunes...how I had to beg to get the permission to pick them off the tree! Ahh there was a little well with those handles to pick water like movies....! 
Mostly I miss the feelings of no responsibility...no fears other than upsetting mum, which I still carry around wherever I go!
I want to cry today and I can't as I have to wait till all my life to fall apart first and then ....it is finished and there will be nothing to cry for!

Cruel Seconds

There is nothing left to hope for....
There is nothing left to fight for...
We have to fall apart...
And me.., with large suitcases all over this world... 
I will carry them back home! 

I feel the pain again...taste the salty tears.....
I feel the weight again...the heaviness of goodbyes...the coldness of last kisses ....while there is no hope for repeating the last seconds!
When there is no hope to stop the cruel seconds...

Sad and frustrated....
Also furious...

When you are in distance....you do not feel the actual shake...! Maybe some post shock waves...you will stay in shock for long time!
You are far enough to not feel the hit, the attack!
This is the second time in these four years that I lose some one close in my family!
It is my Grandma this time! 
I do believe now, that any unusual time to receive a call...means bad news! Some one left us, some thing got stolen, some one is sick....
some thing you care about is out of ordinary situation....so we called you as soon as we could!
That is what any unusual time phone calls mean!
I missed her! But still could not cry...it is so sad and distance that I think my brain does not want to believe it!

May she rest in peace!

I really would like to find a new definition for friendship....

Some thing or some one that no matter what, they will stand by you? Some one that you go to, when you need to talk? Some one to go to nag to...

Some one that likes your posts on FB...?

Or some one who listen to you when you are upset and all the world is against you....and feels better about his/her life?

Some one who simply forgets you when you need them...?

I really need to re define this word for myself!

It is sunny here!
After all those crappy cloudy and grey days, today is sunny! Apparently spring is coming to this town...!
I feel to upset today...a fine feeling of nostalgia and worry and something else that I still couldn't find a name for it...! That common feeling of being ....!? Well, one day people find a name for it!
My mind is sneaking to forbidden places...roads of heavy traffics, kids shouting at streets and fresh weed, across the hall!
My mind is sneaking off to shuts of vodka and yogurt, singing and dancing like there is no such a thing as sadness...as we smoke them off to the air...and air sends them to a far far away land!

Happy sunny shiny days.... 

Some times you think what you want is the most important thing in your life...while you are losing the real important one in the battle with Time!

I am sick of this life full of disappointments!

We are slaves of time,
no matter how hard we try,
no matter how fast we remember,

We are slaves of time!

I washed my face...
with tears,
with hope,
with coldness of the dark blanket of the night!
I washed my face...
Now, a new day, a new time is approaching...
I have to go, I have to leave...

All of my hopes and dreams and pains, as,

I am a slave of time!

It is taking me
to a new day,
to a new hope!

I smoked so many cigarettes today...no advertising for it...but I think my body needed it in some ways!

Please feel free to comment on my posts! 
It makes me feel that some one cares!

I finally managed to wash the dishes!
I also fed Jeffry...he didn't look so interested!
My eyes are swollen from all the salty water and tears....I am sleeping on the coach till he comes back!
Jila called and said it is ok to feel un-fine some times and it made me to stop to cry!
Did you know what did they tell me today...? They told me the issue is not addressed by you in the proper way.... and that is why we can just help you academically...
Bastards.. 
I wish there is a God and hope it has good reasons behind this, otherwise I am totally speechless!

I just wish no one goes through what I have been through! 
Let me know if you are harassed at work and if ever misguided by authorities and then discriminated because you complained!

I am not going to let them stop me from getting my dreams, and if I ever get to a place that I have power, I never let that happen to anyone!

It is winter...No new year..No spring till the sun rises again!

I had the most useless meeting of the world today. I should say that I am so drained....I am so tired of fighting back.
Wish me luck and strength as I need it to be able to carry on. 
The odds were not in my favor and I feel I have lost every last bit of any kind of hope that I had.

I feel so lonely today....but I am sure there is a reason for that! I will face harder days and I will be prepared next time. I will be stronger next time.

I am so scared at the moment! 
Maybe because my life is hanging on a tread!
Or maybe because I can not imagine anything in future!
Tomorrow is my official last chance to follow my dream...to be able to be happy again!
May the odds be in my favor!
Wish me luck...I think I had enough...!

Life has changed! 
It is upsetting some times that you get involved with peoples you call friends and you care about them, via FB!
I don't see it a problem  but I feel it is wrong! It just feels wrong...
In one side you see all the dressed up shiny, happy people and on the other side you see hidden  pains, sorrows..
It messed up my head tonight!
Amazingly I had a semi-internet free day today...I just felt wired reading all these news...feeling these feeling just by going on FB!
Dearest Friends, sorry that I am an ass to ask about you!
I wish you are all well and happy and healthy as possible...as life sucks...life is a bloody sucker...I hope you all are so strong to say to pains to piss off!

Tomorrow is Persian New year...It does not feel exactly like a new year! It is just Facebook that shove it in your face! All the golden fishes and apples and green lentils...Mine didn't grow!
Any way...It suddenly reminded me of the nice feeling of 15 days of holly days... new year bonus money from the boss! hmmm....I just missed the whole feeling...
I missed the cold sunshine through the glass...mum stressing out over a non-cleaned spot over the house...My intentions of tidy up he closet...
I just missed this crap...all the lies to get me to half an hour time spending with boyfriend ....
I missed quiet ski slopes...I used to feel like the ivory queen of mountains...strong and pretty!
What happened?
This bloody migration killed them all?
This bloody mental illness of mine through away all the good senses..
I am awarding myself today! I am going to work....even that does not feel good!

Nothing happened today ...apart from the sudden entry of the handy man while I was sleeping...Freaked me out well enough to get out of bed!
Decided to throe away the lentils...didn't look so keen to grow and become green! 
Is that so bad to wait for good news? 

It is almost two months that I am not working! I had to stop to go to work!
It is such a painful decision....
I constantly dream about my bench at work...Last night I dreamed that they cleaned it all and they took away all of my solutions and reagents...It was horrible...I just could not stand it! It was so painful...my pipettes were gone as well! 
I am planning to work tomorrow night...it might be one of the last times that I will be in that lab! I hope not....

Feeling so ....(Please fill the blank if you can)!
It's cold here..to be fare the weather is constantly testicular...(Persian expression: something crappy as balls)
It is cold, sunny and rainy and bloody cold! For God's sake..it is spring!
Ah well, my lentils don't seem to be eager to grow! So at the moment not so fussed about the whole new year...and I am a little bit fussed as well! 
I lost the feeling of new day, year ...week ...as my life in a wired fast ...slow motion of emptiness and repeating style....

I am so numb.....and this scares me as hell!
May no one gets numb, as brings nothing with it!

I have fears and worries..
What about you? 
At the moment I am very scare! It's like at the end of a really long exam...that you were surprisingly forced to take! I have been taking this exam for three years now and I do not give up the exam sheet! Althoug people are already looking at the sheet and judging me base on my responses...
Not fare! But let's remember that life is not fare anyway!

I am scared....and can not do anything more so I am baking a sweet bread and dancing with old Iranian music...

The latter feels amazingly good! 

I just read this on a page on Face Book...
I hope friends can use google translate and enjoy the fun of this simple story....
سلام بر گوساله عزیزم
ای پسر جان، هیچ می دانی که ما گاو ها چقدر گوساله بودیم؟ یادت می آید که من چقدر حرف های احمقانه به تو گوساله می گفتم؟ آه... من چقدر در احمقی فرو رفته بودم، آخ... ببخشید.
بله ... من چقدر در احمقی فرو رفته بودم و چقدر نا آگاهانه حرف هایی نشخوار می کردم که بوی یونجه گندیده می داد. من چقدر نابخردانه تو را که نسل جوان گاوها بودی و در واقع یک گوساله ساده لوح بودی را تحریک کردم که بیایی و دنبال من برویم ته مزرعه و نزدیک غروب آفتاب حرف هایی از دهان من بشنوی که نه من آنها را می فهمیدم و نه تو عقلت می رسید که آنها را بفهمی و ما فقط تحت تاثیر باد! گول خورده بودیم. حالا من، گاو پیر چروکیده پلاسیده احمق، تو را فریب دادم و دم پرچین ها و غروب و کلا هرچی بهت گفتم احمقانه بود. لذا تو ای گوساله ... دیگر حرف های من را باور نکن و مثل یک گاو اصیل برو و هرچه خرها می گویند گوش بده...!

امضا: پدر بزرگ
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
من گوساله‌ام ( کمیک استریپ‌هایی از زندگی فلسفی یک گاو و نوه کنجکاوش) / بزرگمهر حسین پو

Sad Sheyda....
Sad, sad Sheyda...
Hey I feel so empty....so hollow!
Sorry to spread emptiness...sorry to spread pain..
Although i have been told such pains are not contagious, however, I feel I am spreading the pain...
Like little seeds that sit on your heart and each of them take away little pieces of hopes from you!
Sorry that my heart and my eyes are full of sadness seeds!

I wish I could find the right way of thinking...
I am tired....tired as hell...tired of being positive, tired of focusing on positive points...
Tired of pretending that I am fine!
Well, I am not fine! I am not any where close to fine! If he was not around I don't know where I could be and what I was doing...
By the way, it is really important to focus on the fact that he is around and I have him!

I am sooo sad and don't think any hugs would  help!

Time goes by and we miss it constantly!
It has been a year that my uncle died! I still can not believe it! May his soul rest in peace!
I just feel so sad...hurt and bruised like the first time I heard the news!  

They say:
Nothing good comes without paying the right price!
I have a question:
What is the definition of ''good''?
and,
What is the ''right'' price?

It is snowing in Tehran...or it was at least! 
I am constantly thinking about the traffics in the streets...All those wet hair flying out from the thick and wet scarves...! 
I am constantly thinking of people waiting in the bus stops...hopeful, to put their wet and cold and swallen red feet out of the wet streets....!
I am thinking about home...warm radiators and wet socks!
I missed these scenes! 

Absolutely tired! 
Back: still in pain!
Heart: still dead ....
Brain is still boiling, but not in the right way..it is melting! Now I do understand the Melt Down expression!
Make proper sense now!

Some people hide when they are upset and fragile...possibly they are trying to save themselves!

I think I have passed that point! every body seen this bloody flesh!

Today I am just doing nothing! 
Looking for jobs overseas....and tried to find the lost pill in my makeup bag...nope! I am going to be out of focus from tonight....as they say the sudden drop of the chemicals in the blood, messes my brain and I will constantly be out of focus and sea sick!
The back pain is better!
I had one of those weird dreams again...those one mess you about in your real awake time!
Hey...trying to sort out my life here and being out of focus and also dealing with back pain is not ideal! 

An other day ....ready to get to the battle!

Ahhh well!

Got the bad news! Constantly trying to find an answer to this bloody question: Why life is like this?
I was born there not here?
I loved him but he didn't?
I left him but he is still in love with me?
I care about every body bit no body cares about me?
I leave but you stay?
I leave but I want to stay!

Find me any answers...find me any answers as I am giving up but the problems are still there!

Just to let you know, I am so close to explosion!

It would more effective and much more destructive if it could have happened earlier. however, it is still an explosion..it will break down walls and tear apart flesh and will spread blood!

Nasty and destructive as it can be!

Be aware...I am so close to explode! 

فریاد خواهم زد...
سرود مرگم را!
این آوای همیشگی را...
فریاد خواهم زد...

I am so F&*(*^*^%&% ing tired at the moment and just telling you....can't be bothered any more!