It's been a hell of a ride!
I wish I could change some big chunks of last year! 
It's been the year I became a doctor! It's been the year I was happier than the couple of years before! the ending of it was lonely, hard but not sad! Sadness was involved, but not the main issue!
It is now the final hours and I am preparing myself for a new start! The whole new chapter will be opened!

I am trying to remember and forget at the same time!
He is leaving in 2-3 days, I lost the track of time....it doesn't matter anymore as it would not change the fact that he is leaving!
We believe we will meet up soon, at least in three months! But we know we are not living together anymore!

It has been a long time since I wrote something regarding to my feelings and not the science...
I think it has been more than three or four months!
I passed my VIVA, I have the doctorate degree now!
It was one of the most difficult situations ever...It was even more difficult that sitting in a room and defending my dignity!
I did it...I earned it with the highest difficulties ever!
Now an other chapter is about to begin...and surely this time I am trying to keep the tears away...He is moving to France and I am moving houses...It will be different feeling of sharing a house again!
I need to keep strong and keep fighting with the saddening thoughts!

It feels like it is happening again, over and over. The same pain rushes through my heart and this time there are no tears to catch up with the pain.
I feel stupid to let this happen, like I was born yesterday, like I did not not know it is coming!
I had become some one else, a new skin, a new face...I had become me...unknowing, scared, soft and hurt me!
He saw me change, he saw me falling apart, he saw me fail and win! Hurt, but strong, bitter but forgiving....
I decided to be in this life, I decided to stay in this life.

A week to go and this is all finished! A chapter is closed!
Time of pain and happiness...Times of living some one else's life!
I will achieve what I fought for..It will be over!
I have seen Obama was elected for second time, I have seen buildings been built and burnt, seen babies born... It all looks I have been dreaming and sleep walking for five years!
I fell in love an accepted the pain...I fell apart and lost every thing...Maybe it is time to fly away again....get burnt and be born again! 

I cried like a baby, and then suddenly stopped! Then cried again...and again!
I don't think I am good at coping with emotional pain!
But I am very strong! That is what helping me now!

I can not stop crying..also it is not a proper cry! It is a collection of tears from random times and I remember them and then I cry and I cry...
It is a shitty day, let's all agree on that. I am well confused emotionally...torn apart...
thinking about those radioactive dyes that may go and attach to random cells, and the meaning of that binding...what the F&(*&*
I am trying to be and stay logical, like I have ever been one!
once again, Distance is responsible for every thing...I am well gutted and cannot control these tears, and basically cannot do anything else!
They were days that I could and had faith in my prayers...now they seem like lost thoughts...
May the thoughts get to the destination

I went to far far away land and I saw her!
I stayed in her studio apartment....clean and tidy..the only aspect of messiness was my present in the room!
I met an old friend..forgot to take a photo and now it is just a surreal memory...
Memories of underground trains (metro) and french speaking people creeping into my dreams!
I experienced loneliness and stress...I experienced human life as an stranger!
I am making my way through...I fell down, stood up! Got drunk and hungover...
But I am back...back on my feet! 
Writing and writing...doubting myself every second of the path!
I am scared of the coming futures, it carries many unclear and fuzzy scenes! I may go back home....!

Yes, there you go, I said it!
I just can not stand disgraceful people!
There are so many of them around me, and I am going to explode soon!
Be ready to hear the big sound of explosion! 

It is not a happy day...
I am thinking and make big knots all over the place...they are tangled and twisted...I am just making it worst!
I think I will be fine soon!
I think I can survive this shit!

After dealing with shitty life for last two years and be able to hold it up in front of shitty people every day...dentist made me cry for 25min today! 
Very sad Sheyda today!

It is becoming more difficult every day to be able to stay on top of every thing....
It is becoming more upsetting every day!
I need to keep reminding myself: EVERY thing IS GOING TO all right!

Very busy with so many random things! Officially off happy pills!
Dreams are still manic and vivid!
All the random worries that sneak up on my dreams, reminders of ignored thoughts! 
My little brother became a grown up man...I am becoming a middle aged woman...My sister is a middle aged woman with family issues...
Life is as is suppose to be!
Worries and thoughts sneak up on your dreams....
They overflow to your days....

The lentils didn't grow this year...like last two years...
My haftseen set, does not have a book on it, no Qor'an  or Hafez...! I thought about it y I forgot it at the end...I also added Strawberries as new seen to my haftseen set!
I have done it all right!
I hope for better...

Kiosk band's songs remind me of snowy roads to ski slopes, late afternoon in card, driving in busy streets! worrying for being late! Mum's insults and the pleasure hidden in my flat!
The hint of cigarette smell in my bedroom skeleton!
Those days are vanished...like they never existed!We thought we can fight the time, we thought we can win the war!
I lived like there will not be another life, ever again....I lived like time will never pass! Like it is my ''TIME'' and I will stop spending it....
It hurts and it burns...It does remind me every second that these second is gone now! Keep moving on...do not get attached, do not love, do not leave, do not stay....
Everything will fall apart....
Do not make dreams...Do not hope...
These seconds will pass, need to plan ahead! Spend them in ''Right'', like there is such a thing as right or wrong!
I enjoyed the seconds, the worries, the drunken days by the swimming pool, madness of hosting a party that did not belong to me...the feeling of having a home, of my own!
Those days are getting dustier every day in my mind...
I should stop listening to ''Kiosk''! It is painful!
I can cope with low doses of past with no happy pill in my system!

The withdrawal of happiness from my blood is showing its effect on my tear ducts....
I feel the random sadness down to my bones...
I remember the pain, feel, sadness and not being in control...
Every drop of happiness goes to drains of toilet ....
Every cell, regrets being numb for three f*&%ing years...
And I get ready to be myself again!

I am quite confused...Maybe we are all ships passing by!
I hope not!

One of those moments that the reality hits me...
She is gone forever...! 
It is so sad!

Someone once told me that I escape happily...He told me that I am a good ''escape er''!
Not sure..I know that I am good at ignoring the facts and make a fake reality! 
In short : I am good at hallucinating! 

Honestly I should feel good now! As my PhD course finally got sorted and I fought back as much as I could....! But let's be honest, it's me we are talking about....I always find things to upset me!
Honestly life never stops testing the crap out of you...
Well, Bring it on, I am so strong!