There were some days that I would kill to dine in her house....and that, was a dream! Tonight I had my dinner here at her place and yet had to hide tears from others....

This is the life, every day some thing new to make you upset!

Nothing left to lose....even the last part of the hope that was left is gone now....done...

Do not tell me not to cry, as it is the only thing that I can do right now!

این بدن بیچاره بدجوری در حال مبارزه است....
طاقت بیار....همه چیز درست میشه...

امروز هی گریه کردم...
هی اشکم دم مشکم بود....
این قرص و دواهای کوفتی هم یا اثر نمیکنن....یا وقتی اثر میکنن ....مورد عنایت هم قرارت میدن...
میترسم تا به آخر این عمر کوفتی وصل این دوا و درمون بمونم....

Good I didn't end it earlier

We didn't have our special song....

We didn't have our special spot in the sun...

but we had our special moment of truth....

Finally I have managed to get out of this town....I 've managed to see the sea! I felt the smell of sea and seagulls...

I offered my love .....

I offered my being ....

by the sea!

کاش حالم خوب بشه،

ای کاش حالم خوب بشه....

No summer apparently...

The sky is turning blue, dark grey....I am sitting here...staring at wet windows....

I close my heart...I close my eyes...

Reality, so cruel, so blunt, so calm passes through my closed eyes....

I feel the pain and ignore it...

I keep my eyes closed and the pain sinks down in my roots...like the rain...like the darkness of the sky! 

اونقده حالم بده و گرفته که نگو.....

I had missed the sun...I didn't realised that I had missed it this much!

I also missed Jila...

I also missed the swimming pool...

I have missed so many things...But I need to remember the rule of the world: You can not have everything at the same time!

Crap....who said that! It seems that if you have everything at one point you should feel guilty about it! Or you should constantly be worried that you are going to loose one!!! Bull Shit!

ای گل تو دوش داغ صبوحی کشیده‌ای

ما آن شقایقیم که با داغ زاده‌ایم

What a shock...!!!

New pills, they suppose to make me happy...They suppose to make me feel that the world is going the way it should...They suppose to make me feel I can do whatever I want! What a shocker!

I feel cheated .... in a soft way! By the whole world!

Let 's hope that new pills will change all this feeling go away!

Need to see the sea! 

I missed the humidity...the wind blowing in the face..and crap...I missed the noise...!

I missed so many things...one of them is the sea!

Now ...rain is pouring down....No sign of spring any more! I can hardly keep my eyes open...so sleepy! 

He says he is so stressed! 

He says he needs to focus!

I don't have anything to say! 

I told him not to worry about me...

I told him everything is going to be fine...Is it? Any way I have to be strong....fight back...not give up! I wish life was different in some ways...

I wish I was stronger...

I wish he was not stressed...

I wish .....

Nausea...that's what it is called! One of my most fears in the world! All parts of your abdomen is forced upward...and then contractions that you can't control! It is all pain and taste of acid all over the place....Your nose is filled with the smell of puke....

I have these feelings every day recently...couple of times a day....

Just to make it clear...no pregnancy is involved!

It is all stress and empty stomach I suppose! It is so scary to eat though....as the moment you start chewing, you are constantly thinking about vomiting them out! At least I do think like that...feel like that!

Hey new year came and left! 

Back at home they are still in grief...no sign of happiness....It is all gone...and growing bear, wearing black...backing and cooking...does not change the facts of life!

Here I am ....lonely and trying to cope! I am trying so hard...but there are some facts that I can not accept or change or...

I am dealing with Nausea!

Every day ...brings new pain!

Just don't feel good!
It is a really sunny, summery, happy day! I am not '' not happy'' but at the same time really on the edge!
I need t write down the list of disturbing incidents of the day! Then try to realise if they were disturbing or not and see if I do really give a shit!
I think I do give a shit at the end of the day..as I am kind of upset and nervous at the moment!
.......
Just an ordinary day for me huh?!

I just want to write in Persian whenever I want!

Apparently it's impossible , but it's ok....it is how it is, like other shits in my life...!

Spring is killing me and the sun is shining in the sky...no hiding this time...no clouds...she came out naked finally...cruel, frank but not burning...She's just teasing us!

To be or Not to Be...

Actually this is not the big question at the moment! As I can not do anything about my being!

غبار غم برود حال خوش شود حافظ

تو آب دیده از این رهگذر دریغ مدار

My lentiles didn't grow this year....I wasn't in a god shape to take care of them!

We cried yesterday...we said goodbye and hello! I was scared and he was hurt! I am hurt as well but faking to be strong...I am faking that nothing has moved in me, apart the peice of my heart that can't be replaced!

We will be fine!

It is spring and everything is being renewed! It is spring and you can smell it everywhere!

We will be fine!

I feel empty...empty as you can imagine the emptyness of a darkhole in the space...full and empty!

Today I'm fighting back thetears....possibly at some point of the day I will cry! But not now, now ...I'm in a battle field!

I just want a good news comes around and lights up my day...it won't happen though! I need to be realistic and stop having hopes!

I do remeber someone said once that do not take away someone's hope, maybe it's the last thing they own!

I want my fake hope being taken!!!!

دلم گرفته....

عمو بهرام..." بهرام عظیمی" فوت کرد....

حالم خوش نیست....انگار این بغض نترکیده به زودی خفه ام میکنه...

چطور حالا که باید گریه کنم ....نمی تونم؟

می ترسم....

از طرفی منتظر یه جور معجزه ام....

میگم عجب زندگی تخمی شده....

یه نگاه به تخماش میندازه ....معصومانه میپرسه که چرا تخمی بودن خوب نیست...؟

میگم...نمی دونم....چون حسابی تخمیه..؟

حلوا درست کردم....پف کرده...یه هوا!

نمی دونم به کی بدم...؟ یه عالمشو خودم خالی خالی خوردم....

دلم گرفته....

باورش برا خودم هم سخته....اما آدم ها عوض میشن....پیر میشن....دنیا هر روز تخمی تر میشه...

من اما دیگه سیگار نمیکشم....

This is bad....

This is bad that I don't have anything to say....!

.....I think its bad! The numbness has been around for longer than I thought...

......He says think of me and the way that you make me happy