One of those days that all the comfort food in the world, won't make me feel better!

I was going to say that one never regrets showing love!
But suddenly I remembered all the unwanted circumstances of expressing love!

So, here I say:

Never be scared of circumstances of expressing your love, as no matter how bad they may be, they are not as bad as feeling the regret of not expressing your love!

there you go...! 

It is a hard life...
the whole new life style of virtual relationships! 
I express myself to the world...nothing gets back to....
I feel exposed, naked...with all of my wounds and scars...nobody gives a shit to say: It will be fine!

It is hard times!

Is it nostalgia or ...? I can't find the right word for it! It is a mixture of so many feelings...
I do not know why after smallest feeling of happiness, or taking pleasure of this bloody life, I will be feeling like this for long long times! 
I felt happiness after talking to my little angle...made him laugh! Had a nice ride around for shopping with a dear friend! And I even spent some time with Sun!
But now, I just feel like Friday evenings back at home...feeling empty, sad, worried...You name this bloody feeling! I have it now!
It will fade away ....some how it will fade away! 

I know I had something to say! I am sure...I was thinking about it last night, just before falling sleep!
It was something related to .... home...? being homesick!? Well, I do not remember it now!

It is sunny today...?I can't believe it....seriously I was wondering if all the summer is going to be the same shitty weather!

AHHHH,
Google denied my application for adverts on my blog as most of it is in Persian and they cannot recognize it!
Sad face...and a little bit angry!? 

She is waiting, there are two cars parked outside the house!
one is his car, so he is home....She can hear the phone ringing inside...she is knocking on the door! She is upset....
The guy in the car is judging her...he shouts that they may not be home Miss. Maybe we should go!
She is still waiting...thinking that he is upstairs, he hears her voice on the answering machine but avoids her, decides to carry on making love to the woman who owns the other car!
She even doesn't feel uncomfortable...she wants to talk...she wants to talk to some one outside of the circle of  known people...known ideas...!
After she left and still wondering in an angry mood, he called, he said stop the car and I come and pick you up!
They talked that night....she knew why he did not open the door, and why he didn't pick up his phone...she know! But they talked by the fire place....
They talked about all of her lovers...all the cheaters that left her alone! 
They talked that night and she knew he will pick up the phone all the time after that talk! She knew that he knows that she is not bothered of him screwing other people, but he didn't ever again..while she was around!

NOW....NOW it happened!
No comments any more!
As I was spending all day responding to them! Right?!!

Ahhhh,
me head is killing me! I think I had too much of garlic in me food! 
Need some sugar rush...
Possibly next step of the day is looking up some easy peasy cookie recipes!

Is it bad that I'm not bothered about peoples' birthdays anymore!?
well, get use to rude Sheyda!

Some days, some times, suddenly you remember people that you had totally forgotten...suddenly their face is in front of you ...and you remember, how fast time has passed !
You remember their voice and the sweet accent...the rhythmic and questioning tone!
It will be fine....I will be fine! 
I take it as a sign from good old days! Times that I was so free of any thoughts....just carrying the heavy labels. My mind was free...but had to keep the thoughts under covers of avoidance...so I would feel free!
I miss those days, some times, but I am sure I can not live like that again!

One question:
Is it so difficult to comment, or people who read my blog do not have any idea or opinion?!
Just wondering!

Telling you people...The weather is so testicular! It does mean that it is beyond being crap!

Can't sleep again!
There is a power cord in bed with us now! 

I am not sure how should I feel, when I was told officially to be suicidal!
Well, I thought about it, and I didn't lie about my thoughts when I was asked...I think I could just say no! 
But I did think about it! 
It was upsetting...it was dark and cold....and...!
But I can not find a name for the feelings that I have now! It's like being called so cheesy...It's like that somebody is shouting in your ears: You didn't have the balls!
I think more than cheesy, I was strong! 
I could have lied but I didn't!

I am not sure, why I had that wired dream. Was it due to slightly drunken feelings or my random thoughts and worries!?
We were all there again, in grandparents old house...all of us, and a baby, which can't remember was it Shaya or baby Milad, got measles, me and Jila were holding him, we were immune, and the baby was crying...had spots!
Dad was upset with us, and, garndma, she was cooking....food for all of us,....! I can't remember, all the details now, but I do remember that the nurse was there...Holding my dad's hand, and crying to us...that we don't care...so she cares! I was angry...annoyed! Why dad didn't say any thing!???
We were wrong ...we didn't catch measles as kids...

Self therapy by watching loads of TED talks!
I can not however decide whether I liked ''The skin I live in'' or not!

Whenever I get pissed at life- which is a quite common thing these days- I go and look at the old photos...like it is going to heal me! No I just need a real trigger to make me cry!
Sometimes I feel that my head is swollen, got soft inside and if I push it at one point, the juice is going to come out...the pressure is going to be released...the pain is going to fade....
And the thoughts of leaving or keep trying, are going to disappear!
I wish, I hope it was true...one push and squeeze would help....
These days nothing heals me...
constant silence and constant waiting...I waited so long that some days I forget what I am even waiting for!