I am sick of this life full of disappointments!

We are slaves of time,
no matter how hard we try,
no matter how fast we remember,

We are slaves of time!

I washed my face...
with tears,
with hope,
with coldness of the dark blanket of the night!
I washed my face...
Now, a new day, a new time is approaching...
I have to go, I have to leave...

All of my hopes and dreams and pains, as,

I am a slave of time!

It is taking me
to a new day,
to a new hope!

I smoked so many cigarettes today...no advertising for it...but I think my body needed it in some ways!

Please feel free to comment on my posts! 
It makes me feel that some one cares!

I finally managed to wash the dishes!
I also fed Jeffry...he didn't look so interested!
My eyes are swollen from all the salty water and tears....I am sleeping on the coach till he comes back!
Jila called and said it is ok to feel un-fine some times and it made me to stop to cry!
Did you know what did they tell me today...? They told me the issue is not addressed by you in the proper way.... and that is why we can just help you academically...
Bastards.. 
I wish there is a God and hope it has good reasons behind this, otherwise I am totally speechless!

I just wish no one goes through what I have been through! 
Let me know if you are harassed at work and if ever misguided by authorities and then discriminated because you complained!

I am not going to let them stop me from getting my dreams, and if I ever get to a place that I have power, I never let that happen to anyone!

It is winter...No new year..No spring till the sun rises again!

I had the most useless meeting of the world today. I should say that I am so drained....I am so tired of fighting back.
Wish me luck and strength as I need it to be able to carry on. 
The odds were not in my favor and I feel I have lost every last bit of any kind of hope that I had.

I feel so lonely today....but I am sure there is a reason for that! I will face harder days and I will be prepared next time. I will be stronger next time.

I am so scared at the moment! 
Maybe because my life is hanging on a tread!
Or maybe because I can not imagine anything in future!
Tomorrow is my official last chance to follow my dream...to be able to be happy again!
May the odds be in my favor!
Wish me luck...I think I had enough...!

Life has changed! 
It is upsetting some times that you get involved with peoples you call friends and you care about them, via FB!
I don't see it a problem  but I feel it is wrong! It just feels wrong...
In one side you see all the dressed up shiny, happy people and on the other side you see hidden  pains, sorrows..
It messed up my head tonight!
Amazingly I had a semi-internet free day today...I just felt wired reading all these news...feeling these feeling just by going on FB!
Dearest Friends, sorry that I am an ass to ask about you!
I wish you are all well and happy and healthy as possible...as life sucks...life is a bloody sucker...I hope you all are so strong to say to pains to piss off!

Tomorrow is Persian New year...It does not feel exactly like a new year! It is just Facebook that shove it in your face! All the golden fishes and apples and green lentils...Mine didn't grow!
Any way...It suddenly reminded me of the nice feeling of 15 days of holly days... new year bonus money from the boss! hmmm....I just missed the whole feeling...
I missed the cold sunshine through the glass...mum stressing out over a non-cleaned spot over the house...My intentions of tidy up he closet...
I just missed this crap...all the lies to get me to half an hour time spending with boyfriend ....
I missed quiet ski slopes...I used to feel like the ivory queen of mountains...strong and pretty!
What happened?
This bloody migration killed them all?
This bloody mental illness of mine through away all the good senses..
I am awarding myself today! I am going to work....even that does not feel good!

Nothing happened today ...apart from the sudden entry of the handy man while I was sleeping...Freaked me out well enough to get out of bed!
Decided to throe away the lentils...didn't look so keen to grow and become green! 
Is that so bad to wait for good news? 

It is almost two months that I am not working! I had to stop to go to work!
It is such a painful decision....
I constantly dream about my bench at work...Last night I dreamed that they cleaned it all and they took away all of my solutions and reagents...It was horrible...I just could not stand it! It was so painful...my pipettes were gone as well! 
I am planning to work tomorrow night...it might be one of the last times that I will be in that lab! I hope not....

Feeling so ....(Please fill the blank if you can)!
It's cold here..to be fare the weather is constantly testicular...(Persian expression: something crappy as balls)
It is cold, sunny and rainy and bloody cold! For God's sake..it is spring!
Ah well, my lentils don't seem to be eager to grow! So at the moment not so fussed about the whole new year...and I am a little bit fussed as well! 
I lost the feeling of new day, year ...week ...as my life in a wired fast ...slow motion of emptiness and repeating style....

I am so numb.....and this scares me as hell!
May no one gets numb, as brings nothing with it!

I have fears and worries..
What about you? 
At the moment I am very scare! It's like at the end of a really long exam...that you were surprisingly forced to take! I have been taking this exam for three years now and I do not give up the exam sheet! Althoug people are already looking at the sheet and judging me base on my responses...
Not fare! But let's remember that life is not fare anyway!

I am scared....and can not do anything more so I am baking a sweet bread and dancing with old Iranian music...

The latter feels amazingly good! 

I just read this on a page on Face Book...
I hope friends can use google translate and enjoy the fun of this simple story....
سلام بر گوساله عزیزم
ای پسر جان، هیچ می دانی که ما گاو ها چقدر گوساله بودیم؟ یادت می آید که من چقدر حرف های احمقانه به تو گوساله می گفتم؟ آه... من چقدر در احمقی فرو رفته بودم، آخ... ببخشید.
بله ... من چقدر در احمقی فرو رفته بودم و چقدر نا آگاهانه حرف هایی نشخوار می کردم که بوی یونجه گندیده می داد. من چقدر نابخردانه تو را که نسل جوان گاوها بودی و در واقع یک گوساله ساده لوح بودی را تحریک کردم که بیایی و دنبال من برویم ته مزرعه و نزدیک غروب آفتاب حرف هایی از دهان من بشنوی که نه من آنها را می فهمیدم و نه تو عقلت می رسید که آنها را بفهمی و ما فقط تحت تاثیر باد! گول خورده بودیم. حالا من، گاو پیر چروکیده پلاسیده احمق، تو را فریب دادم و دم پرچین ها و غروب و کلا هرچی بهت گفتم احمقانه بود. لذا تو ای گوساله ... دیگر حرف های من را باور نکن و مثل یک گاو اصیل برو و هرچه خرها می گویند گوش بده...!

امضا: پدر بزرگ
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
من گوساله‌ام ( کمیک استریپ‌هایی از زندگی فلسفی یک گاو و نوه کنجکاوش) / بزرگمهر حسین پو

Sad Sheyda....
Sad, sad Sheyda...
Hey I feel so empty....so hollow!
Sorry to spread emptiness...sorry to spread pain..
Although i have been told such pains are not contagious, however, I feel I am spreading the pain...
Like little seeds that sit on your heart and each of them take away little pieces of hopes from you!
Sorry that my heart and my eyes are full of sadness seeds!

I wish I could find the right way of thinking...
I am tired....tired as hell...tired of being positive, tired of focusing on positive points...
Tired of pretending that I am fine!
Well, I am not fine! I am not any where close to fine! If he was not around I don't know where I could be and what I was doing...
By the way, it is really important to focus on the fact that he is around and I have him!

I am sooo sad and don't think any hugs would  help!

Time goes by and we miss it constantly!
It has been a year that my uncle died! I still can not believe it! May his soul rest in peace!
I just feel so sad...hurt and bruised like the first time I heard the news!  

They say:
Nothing good comes without paying the right price!
I have a question:
What is the definition of ''good''?
and,
What is the ''right'' price?

It is snowing in Tehran...or it was at least! 
I am constantly thinking about the traffics in the streets...All those wet hair flying out from the thick and wet scarves...! 
I am constantly thinking of people waiting in the bus stops...hopeful, to put their wet and cold and swallen red feet out of the wet streets....!
I am thinking about home...warm radiators and wet socks!
I missed these scenes! 

Absolutely tired! 
Back: still in pain!
Heart: still dead ....
Brain is still boiling, but not in the right way..it is melting! Now I do understand the Melt Down expression!
Make proper sense now!

Some people hide when they are upset and fragile...possibly they are trying to save themselves!

I think I have passed that point! every body seen this bloody flesh!

Today I am just doing nothing! 
Looking for jobs overseas....and tried to find the lost pill in my makeup bag...nope! I am going to be out of focus from tonight....as they say the sudden drop of the chemicals in the blood, messes my brain and I will constantly be out of focus and sea sick!
The back pain is better!
I had one of those weird dreams again...those one mess you about in your real awake time!
Hey...trying to sort out my life here and being out of focus and also dealing with back pain is not ideal! 

An other day ....ready to get to the battle!

Ahhh well!

Got the bad news! Constantly trying to find an answer to this bloody question: Why life is like this?
I was born there not here?
I loved him but he didn't?
I left him but he is still in love with me?
I care about every body bit no body cares about me?
I leave but you stay?
I leave but I want to stay!

Find me any answers...find me any answers as I am giving up but the problems are still there!